Does that make me more desperate than people who are desperate? What am I even thinking? What are we doing hereeeeeeeee

omg today is today...
tomorrow is tomorrow...
the day after tomorrow is the day after tomorrow...

I don't get another chance to live today -- November 30, 2009 -- and I am blowing it........ moments tick by like eggs cracking into the ground and spilling wide and drying all away

oops, too late, oops, too late, oops, too late

My thinking stalls all the time. I miss the simplicity of when I thought everything was complicated. Everything's like jello and slippery now

"Self, what is your problem?"


I love this man. His voice fills the whole room. Even at 2:15 in the morning in my apartment with the volume turned down as low as it can go, so that I won't wake my roommate. Sometimes I can't tell whether people sing well or not, but with him the acknowledgment my certainty of it, if not his "talent," then his natural calling to be a singer, is as pervasive, inky and tenacious as the smell of butter.


I love this girl. She is and has always been such a fox! Fox fox! She's so smug here and I love it! To know the real intensity of this performance, you have to know that this, is Ivy's comeback from a years-long scandal-induced silence -- she was seeing another guy behind her famous bf's back, and that other guy, got so pissy he threatened to release a made-up sex video, and stuff. In any case, in Korea it's common for female celebs to disappear off the face of the earth for much smaller "scandals," and I'm so thrilled she's screaming her way back onto the scene instead of fading away
It's too bad her song and performances got banned from public broadcasting stations after this one comeback perf (not including a few pre-"comeback" ones); such a waste but at least she's made her splash already


I love this shoulder dance. I just love it a lot. As well as the lead singer's enthusiasm. He's so cute. I'd like to touch his face.

than I am of tomorrow. But that's a good thing, right, because it means my days get less scary the closer I get to them? But I don't know that that's true

I keep saying this, but "I am going back to writing;" I need it. And it doesn't need me, but as this isn't a human relationship I think it'll be okay

(though I am indeed using it as a filler)

"I'm scary when I'm angry. You haven't seen me really mad."

But then a week later or so, I was going into the back/stockroom, probably with a pallet behind me? And he was coming out, pulling a pallet stocked way over either of our heads behind him. The thing about overnight pallets at Wal-mart is that some of them, like some of the ones for (shoot I'm forgetting my Wal-mart terminology...) paper goods and chemicals, are really light. Stocked really high with toilet paper or diapers. But some of them are stocked like 8 feet high with heavy cases of canned goods or juice, and if one of those runs into you, you're going to get crushed. Pallets (wooden platforms) are pulled on pallet jacks, which are basically these two-teeth forks that stick into the holes of the pallets and allow them to move on wheels, and pulling a pallet behind you, you have limited control (since the pallet jack has just a handle... thing... this is really wordy sorry), and no way to stop it if it's moving qucikly. Meaning to be trapped between one of those pallets while it's in motion, and something else, would be infinitely worse than being "stuck between a rock and a hard place."

In any case, the pallet he was pulling behind him was one of those bulky/terrifyingly steelish ones, and he was turning a corner pretty quickly, i.e. couldn't turn in another direction, and I was just standing there like D-: (as I am inclined to do in any alarming situation), so he ended up gesturing and yelling, "move! move!"

I don't remember what happened exactly, but I got out of his way, and it was okay. I think he told me later that he only yelled because his only two options were either 1) get crushed, or 2) ram into me, and I thought to myself something like, "duh." The explanation obviously wasn't necessary, though I appreciated it

And I think a few hours later that night/morning (or it may have been later that week), he said something like, "now you've seen me angry," and I said, "well it's not like it wasn't justified anger. You could've gotten run over." And he looked kind of impressed, which was funny to me, because it was like would the girls you've dated seriously fail to understand that? Okay, maybe not so much funny as comforting, then.

In any case, I think he conceded that that wasn't really anger anger then, so much as it was a reaction appropriate to the current circumstance.

But I guess my point is I want to see him get scary-mad. We should just make a bargain. You make me cry, and I'll make you mad, and we'll go our separate ways.

Actually, it's funny because I thought of this other dealio where maybe I would ask, if we couldn't meet just once a month. Because he's kind of dangerous and I kind of annoy him. I was offhandedly saying this to my mom (she doesn't really know anything about him or the situation, but you know, girls talk) though and she was like "as if you could hold to that."

I don't know. I'm just not afraid of him. But he lives far away, we're both busy, the whole thing is pretty absurd, and I think it would be kind of magical and delightfully clandestine if we sort of did this secret once-a-month thing.

Yes, I'm still on this.

Happy Thanksgiving. Mine was really good. I'm thankful we both exist and that the world exists. MAy Thanksgiving bring many thank yous from us next year as well

stop now.

How do you stop a top from spinning if you can't touch it?

centripetal centrifugal I remember my high school physics teacher saying there was no such thing as centrifugal and then my college TA drawing a centrifugal force on my paper......... okay

If ###### (I don't like calling him Mister E anymore... his name doesn't even start with an E) reenters my life, the top will only start spinning in the opposite direction, even faster

but you know what's funny? For something to completely change directions like that, it has to momentarily stop. HAHA

is dead......... I don't like the words, "it's dead," for anything or anyone, but that's how I read it: "top model Kim Daul is dead"

it's so sad. Yes, people die all the time- every day, and every minute, but suicide... it paints the air everywhere such a daunting and scary and doom-filled yet eerily frenetic color, and it's just so sad. I wish someone could have held her when she couldn't hold herself

1989-2009- Rest in Peace... I hope death can provide for you, what life didn't when you so desperately needed it to


http://iliketoforkmyself.blogspot.com/

Think a bit harder. No one has everything.

(BAM! Do I win?)

me regain focus on all stupid things school-related, but whatever, fudge it.

( FUDGE IT )

People always say, "you'll meet someone else." But it's like I saw a flower that has never existed anywhere before, that is more beautiful than anything in the world, and was just sitting there taking in its beauty, but taking the fact that I could take in its beauty for granted, and before I could even formulate a thought about it, it disappeared. (Well, technically, I disappeared, but it doesn't matter who did what does it? What matters is we're not in the same place anymore.) Now it's all I can think about, because I imagine if I find it again, I'll be able to at least create its definite image in my head, and as Mister E agreed, what matters isn't what you have for real, but what you have [pats heart] "in here."

If I can't see you just one more time, I think I might die.

- Susie

...................that's too much, right?

I have the actual note written already.

I'm still tempted to just write, "Dear ######, I know there's no hope of making myself clear in a letter, so can I please see you in person?"

Or the bus thing I scrambled here... the funny thing is he might actually understand that more than what I wrote. His thinking is too above mine to condescend to understand a normally-written letter

In any case I feel like it's not right for me to sit and plan this thing without his consent the point is that I can't get his consent and that if I could I wouldn't be writing this stupid thing because I could just tell him and be done with it but still. It feels like a guerilla attack or something. I hate that this can't be doneany other way

and at the same time, i'm so happy that this way is even available to me. I really think I might die otherwise. If he quits his job before the Tuesday after break, then I don't know what I'll do